Can D/s Survive Marriage? by slave dove
Lately the normal rotation of circling thought going through my mind has become highlighted with one common thread. Like a carrousel horse rising up and down, circling again and again there is a continuing question that seems to have no answer, at least no truthful answer.
I often wonder if my reality is the same reality of other 24/7 couples in the BDSM scene.
- Does 24/7 ruin BDSM? In the day to day grind of walking the dog, sweeping the floors and whitening your teeth do we become more of a slave to responsibilities than we are to our Masters?
- Is the very thing that most cyber Doms or cyber submissives wish for, a 24/7 relationship, more of a fantasy than the online D/s they now enjoy practicing?
- Is there a 24/7 couple in the scene that is brave enough to tell the frustrating and sometimes boring truth about 24/7?
- Does living up to the dream cause so much pressure on real time 24/7 D/s couples that we are not allowed to spoil everyone's fantasy by telling the truth?
Everything in my heart is saying, there is nothing wrong with us!
Don't tell me the Master who owns my soul isn't "Dom" enough to carry it out daily, or that the "beauty of my submission" was only skin deep. Oh no, it's much more complex than that...
Everything in my head says that if I tell you the illusion of how you imagine 24/7 to be is damn near impossible, you will reject my truth in favor of your dream. And in doing so you will reject our sincerity and commitment to each other as Master and slave.
And why shouldn't you? If I were in your shoes I wouldn't allow anyone to dampen my hopes.
I would hold fast to my desires and dreams, I would not accept that they could be faulty; therefore I would have to think you must be the one to blame.
If that is what you're thinking I more than understand - I agree. Close the page and hold fast to your ideals.
Perhaps my thoughts will only speak to a few; to those who are living 24/7 and wondering where their piece of the 24/7 pie in the sky is?
You know what's so horribly ironic?
Three years before my Master and I began our life together we were at a play party. I was there with my mentor and she included MD in our scene. He and I were sitting together still warmed by the afterglow of the scene, when Stacy, the submissive half of the 24/7 couple that was hosting the party, joined our conversation.
She began to lament that she and her Dom never played any more. This couple hosted a private party once a month, they were involved in 2 of the local BDSM Clubs and by all outward appearances were a fine example of a 24/7 BDSM couple.
After she wandered off I looked at MD and smugly said, "See... be careful what you wish for." I know I sounded as if I would never allow myself to live in such a deplorable state of kinklessness. Three years later I am wife and slave to MD, ironically he and I are having the same struggles Stacy had express sorrow over.
I think it may be easier when your relationship is cyber. It's separate from everyday life because what you do online is an entirely different world. Your day to day existence is left behind when you meet your Master or submissive online. You step from your everyday realm into a world the two of you have created. The world is nearly perfect, save the fact that you both long for 24/7.
Now that Master and I live in the same house and tackle life's daily requirements together, I have yet to figure out how to make the same separation. The lines have blurred and the color of vanilla has bled through fading what once had a vibrant D/s glow. I suppose it's because we know it's permanent. Both of us know the ropes, the whips and the nipple clamps will be there tomorrow. But the dog needs to be walked right now, the shower floor scrubbed, his socks folded and the bills need to be paid today.
All these things I do as a service of love and they have their meaning.
All these things he does as loving care and devotion for his owned.
All these things are beginning to closely resemble a cancer that is threatening the very foundation of who we are.
I have often wondered if I could totally give up D/s and settle into a comfy vanilla life with MD, the man I love with all my heart, body and soul. It shocks me that I would even entertain such a preposterous and formally foreign idea. It scares me that it sometimes feels as if it would be easier to give up and allow the most precious part of us be consumed by the cancerous encroachment most people call marriage.
I have wasted the better part of a year resenting my situation. I have suffered the better part of a year feeling guilty for putting up a false front of a perfect D/s couple. I have spent the better part of a year knowing there is no turning back and wondering if we will find our way forward. I am here to reassure anyone who has wondered as I have. Yes. There is a next step for all of us who enter into the realm of 24/7 married Master and slave.
I promise you it is nothing like anything you have experienced thus far.
What is 24/7 married D/s?
It is starting over, even if you have been together as Master and slave for many months.
By adding the vanilla tradition of coupleness, you have just entered uncharted waters.
Do you remember as a new submissive the training and the changes you had to embrace. Everything was new and you were flourishing in each step of discovery. Do you remember? Or as the dominant half, do you remember the challenge of unlocking the emotional and physical doors of the submissive under your tutelage? Remember the experience of confirmation? The thrill of exercising your natural hand? The satisfaction when you "got it" and she swooned?
This time it's not the same. This is what separates the men from the boys. This time you may experience feelings of doubt. You may worry or feel as if "You should know this" or that the submissive should know this. And worst of them all, the submissive may suffer the insecurity that comes with feeling "Master should know this."
I remember with tearful clarity the day I stood in our bedroom and pounded my open hands against the wall crying "This is not who we were… This is not who we were!" I continued to wail, my voice raising in desperation and despair until my Master grabbed me and forcefully me to lie across the bed. He held me down and spanked me. I fought him and told him "NO". I silently vowed I would not cry, all the while my heart said, "Finally, Master save me from myself and please don't stop until you win." We are not new babes just learning the ropes and we don't understand why things are not like they used to be. This, above anything we've ever done, is trial by fire.
Up until now your D/s has been sanitized and kept safely separate from contaminants.
It has been removed from the secure package of play parties, chat-rooms, private scenes and exposed to your ordinary existence. If you take a candid look you will have to admit that the D/s that occupies your thoughts has been a acted out in a surprising small time frame compared to the hours you work, exercise, clean and sleep. It's small and fledgling in comparison to the other things that demand your real time attention. Living out your D/s is no longer larger than life, now that it has actually been brought into your life 24/7. And once you make that realization you will have to admit you're shocked and probably disappointed.
It's ok, it's natural. It is now real and the depth of growth is real.
As a seedling that's been transplanted from the greenhouse into the garden it must be cared for and nurtured because its environment is now a competitive one. It only seemed bigger than life as you viewed it though the green house window of chat rooms and dungeon parties. It's totally up to us to care for our D/s relationship as we fulfill our dream and bring it out of the sanitized dungeon into our homes 24/7. It's totally up to us to weed the familiarity of vanilla habits and distractions so that there is room for the D/s to bear fruit.
As I said, this is what separates the men from the boys. It took me the better part of a year to realize what had happened to my safe little package of BDSM. Master is a gentle, wise and patient Master who will guard the seedling of D/s until it's strong and chokes out the vanilla rather than the other way around.
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