How Should the Dom End the Relationship??
written by S. Garrett and cerina. The article is owned and copyrighted by Submissive Loving. Do Not Copy.
Scenario: The Dominant has decided it is best to end a relationship with a submissive.
This isn't quite the same as ending a vanilla relationship. A sub has "given" themselves over to another human being, thus putting them at some level of subspace ALL the time. Does a Dom simply send a letter and sever all contact? (growl) Does the Dom try to "let us down easy" and sugar coat the facts?? (growl growl) OR does the Dom accept the responsibility he wanted in the first place and explain all the facts and reasons to the submissive AND help her/him through the transition? Give me your feedback. How should a Dom end a relationship with a sub?
Ok...so it is not a perfect world. I accept that. My problem is this: The "Doms" (please notice quotations) do not seem to take into account the psychological makeup of a submissive. We strive at all times to please. When we are released it becomes obvious *to us* that we have *not pleased* EVEN if that is not the case. It is part of our makeup to blame ourselves for a relationship ending. Therefore, I feel that "Doms" have a responsibility to create the least stress free release possible.
Cerina
The Dom's View-S. Garrett.
The first step is: Be certain it is the relationship you want to change. All too often the Dom is looking for a change in the terms of reference - there are far more civilised and effective ways of achieving that.
Second: Ensure that You (the Dom, of course) have a clear understnding of why it is you want to end the relationship. If you have done your homework on the first step than this should be easier. Your sub is entitled to a clear explanation of why her world has fallen in and 'it is not you love, it is me' does not cut it. If you find it difficult to establish the reasons, you might want to consider if you are really cut out for D/s anyway.
Thirdly: Tell your sub in the kindest way you can. DO NOT ACT LIKE AN @#%$ in the hope that she will end it first! Allow time for her to progress through the stages of her response to rejection - this will require you to sit there and hear some home truths - although she worshipped you, that does not mean that she thought you were perfect by any means.
Finally: Help her to find closure. You invested a considerable time in training her to surrender everything to you. You owe it to her to spend at least that amount of time in training her not to rely on you any more but that *that* does not mean she can never trust again.
Having reviewed your obligations when it comes to ending a relationship, the neophyte Dom might be forgiven in believing that the whole thing is not worthwhile. My advice, if such is the case, is for you it probably is not. If you are not entering into a relationship with the firm belief that this is not going to just be your next sub, but yor last one - then do not do it!
The Submissive's View - Cerina
I chose this topic because so many people have been getting hurt by nasty breakups that I thought it was time to address the issue.
Interesting thing though...all of the submissives seem to understand the need for release advice and that a D/s relationship needs more loving care in the end than a vanilla one, but the Doms will argue until they are blue in the face that breaking up with a submissive is no different than breaking up with a vanilla woman. I beg to differ gentlemen. You obviously have not done any homework at all regarding the psychology of the sub. How can you expect to understand your submissive if you have no clue as to what makes her tic??? I've had vanilla men dump me cold and i've had Doms do it as well......I'm here to tell you, it is NOT the same. Yes, there is pain involved either way...but with the D/s breakup I felt much more lost.....placed much more blame upon myself......and questioned my ability to submit. Please...I implore you...there is a difference.
Don't try to sugar coat the facts. Be very upfront and honest.
Don't say anything like "it just isn't the right time for me now" We're more likely to hear " You still have a chance with me just not now so sit tight and wait for me like a good little subbie"
DO NOT be a coward and just disappear. The psychological damage caused by that little trick is beyond cruel. You want to be a Dom...now act like one.
Remain as calm as possible even if you are positive she is Sybil. Do NOT get into a blame game.....Do NOT point fingers..Do NOT cause more harm.....being dumped is devastating enough as it is.
The submissive deserves your respect even after the relationship has gone bad. You found her good enough to call your own...she is good enough to continue receiving your respect. Don't talk to others about everything she did wrong...don't treat her as though she doesn't exist....DON'T EVER EVER EVER accuse her of not being a submissive just because she wasn't the right sub for YOU.
